Online Dating

Posted by Dante on Feb 26, 2011 in Deferred Life | 0 comments

Have you dated online? I think if any gay man shook their head at this point I think would faint – dramatically, and mostly for effect, but I’d still do it.

If you believe statistics then online dating is now the number one way that men meet other men.  Let’s face it though it’s much easier than braving the average scene. Plus, if you are a fan of the scene dating online allows you to get back to going out to have a good time, meeting friends, having a dance etc, rather than judging every night out based of whether or not you pulled, which really does get tiresome after a while.

I’m a therapist, and work with a lot of gay clients and funnily enough online dating often comes up in therapy sessions. It’s interesting that though the largest gay dating site on the internet has been around for over ten years, no clear guidelines have been forthcoming about how to get the best out of the online experience. (I’m sure if you Google hard enough you’ll find some somewhere, but you’re here now so read on).

I think you have to ask yourself first, what do you want from your online endeavour? The three major things that seem to reoccur are friendship,  a bit of casual sex, and  the crown jewels for many a lost soul, a boyfriend – now the internet is perfect for all of these, though you might have to go looking in different places for them. The key of course is to be clear right from the start what it is you want, because nothing good comes without a little effort and you need to know where to place that effort to get the best results.

So let’s look at them in turn, first friendship. Again, we’re back to the questions, first ask yourself what do you want a friend for; this makes it much easier to work out where you’re going to friend these new friends. It’s the idea of “friends for purpose”. Do you need friends to go on the scene with? Do you want someone to meet up for a casual coffee, do you need a squash partner or someone to go to the cinema with – you get the idea. Now once you know why you want new friends, it makes it easier to start the process of finding them.

Now keep in mind through all of your online adventures that there are a lot of freaks in this world. Some people use the anonymity of the net to pretend that they are something else – I’m sure a lot of us have met the 21 y/o who turned out to be 35. But the internet is a big place and just because you have one or two of these experiences shouldn’t put you off the treats that might be in store with a little courage and effort.

So where to go for which type of friends, well three to start with would be gumtree.com for sports, language exchange, etc (wonderful site, just be brave enough to ask for what you’re looking for and who knows), outintheuk.com for new friends to go on the scene with, they have regular events that are great for meeting other gay men in a none scene setting too. Last, there is meetup.com which has some great groups for all types of events, wonderful if you need a group to go the cinema for example. Just remember that the more people you meet the more chance there is of meeting some great new friends who are on your wavelength.

Next let’s talk about sex (does that line remind anyone else of a song from the 80s, or is that just me getting old?). I think the key here is to be lay out your stall, make it clear on your profile that you are looking to meet some guys for a bit of no strings fun. It might sound a little cheap, and to those who come across your site looking for a boyfriend, they will no doubt be offended, but sex is a natural thing, it’s fun, sometimes even amazing and if that is what you want at this moment in your life, just go out there and say it.

Have a face picture, perhaps one of your body – showing your privates is up to you – two things always come to mind whenever I see someone with their manbits erect for all to see – it might come back to haunt you someday and it takes half the fun away as it’s almost like getting a Christmas present that someone hasn’t bothered to wrap – but then I like surprises.

The other thing to mention when it comes to just a bit of light relief is that perhaps the internet is not the right place to find it. Never really talked about, but gay saunas are geared up for these things. In major cities these are clean places, have condoms by the bucket load and men in towels looking for the same thing you are, perhaps if it is sex you are after then the internet might be the best place to locate a sauna rather than to spend time hunting down someone who might be using a photo from 10 years go. I’ve heard that between 5 and 6 is a great time to go, full of suited and booted types looking for a little relaxation and fun after a tough work day.

Now to the big one, finding a boyfriend! Many will tell you things like, “if it’s meant to happen it will” or “if you stop looking one will just come along”. This may be true, but would you apply this logic to other important areas of your life? Your career for example, is the best way to find a job by just hoping it’ll come along – I’d say not.

So why leave finding the love of your life to chance, to some blind hope that one day your prince charming will come – so to speak?

I say, take the bull by the horns, give finding a boyfriend the same energy you’d put in to nailing that perfect job. To drag out this metaphor still further, when you’re looking for a job, you’d go through a process to get to where you want to be, hunt the job down, fill out the application form, do interview prep, then the interview, perhaps a second one after that, and sometimes you’d get it and sometimes not. If not then you’d workout why you didn’t get it this time and move on to the next one.

Now if you applied that kind of effort to finding the man of your dreams where would you start? What would be the process?

Well, like I said above your profile has to state what you’re looking for, put in your profile that you looking to meet the right guy. That you like dating, that you like sex but you’re looking for more than that. Show a face pic, perhaps some fun shots when you’re enjoying yourself, smile in the pictures. Talk about your interests rather than whether you’re a top or bottom, try to make it clear that you’re out to get to know people. Avoid body shots, unless they are sporty ones as it tends to give the impression that it’s just sex you’re after.

Now as much stick as Gaydar gets, plenty of people have met their boyfriends on there, if you’re on there looking for more than just sex, you won’t be the only one. This goes for all gay sites, if you’re on there looking for a certain thing, others will be doing the same.

After your profile is done, don’t wait for the potentials to come to you, go hunting. It’s a numbers game. You might have to chat to 10 people or 50 before you find someone you gel with, but in the end you’ll find someone you like who likes you back. 100, 200 freaks and oddities before you get the one, who cares, if you want a keeper, you have to put in the effort.

Keep that numbers game thing in mind, as it applies once you’ve found the first one you like, arrange a date as quickly as you can – don’t let fear build up or worst fantasy. You don’t want to get to the stage where you’ve been speaking for months, have fallen in love and then when you meet there is no chemistry – meet as quick as you can.

If you really want a boyfriend you should put in enough effort so that you can go on at least one date a week. I know this seems like a lot, but Gaydar alone as a million plus users, you only need one of them each week for your date. Perhaps keep Wednesday night as date night, keep it fun and light, and remember that you have to work your way through the chaff to get to the wheat.

For all of the above keep the following tips in mind.

• Ask lots of questions, it makes conversation easier, plus try to learn how to ask open questions (ones that it’s hard to answer with by just giving a yes or no – Google has loads on it).
• When exchanging messages online keep in mind the idea of asking a question every time you answer one, and try to end your message with a question – again, it makes chatting online much easier.
• If someone rejects you online, don’t take it to heart, what are they really rejecting? Unless you feel the person knows everything about you then they are only rejecting a small part of you, so small that, with practice it’s easy to shrug off and move on to the next one.
• Set out your stall, if you want a big leather daddy then say so, if you want a meek tweak be clear, it’ll save disappointment in the long run.
• Be honest, but not hurtful, if a date is not going well, it’s best to end it, rather than drag it on for days for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
• If you have self-esteem or confidence issues, a massive fear of rejection or you haven’t properly come to terms with your sexuality then seek out the right help, they can all be sorted out.
• If you want a boyfriend, then put in some effort, rarely would you expect a job to just appear out of thin air without some effort, why should something as important as a boyfriend not get your full attention.
• Have lots and lots of fun, write about your experiences perhaps, keep a diary of the freaks and weirdoes. Tell your friends what you’re doing, tell them it’s a social experiment, then if a date ends badly you can have a laugh about it afterwards.

Wow that’s a lot of tips, in the end, with the right amount of effort, we can all find what we are looking for – just ask yourself – what do you want? And, are you putting in the right about of effort to get it?